Seasons Change
The rain keeps falling, but someday I will be in Ireland, living my dream, and none of this will matter.
“ The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it’s over.
Nicholas Sparks
The past is the past for a reason.
Why can’t we talk like we used to, before the love, before the hurt? I want to be able to look at you and talk to you and it not…I don’t know. I don’t know what I want from you. This isn’t bad. This friendship we have established. I am just not used to it, like anything else. For some reason, everything feels differently to me. Everything feels new. There is this thing that I want to talk to you about because you were the only one I could ever talk to about it. But if I do, it will be too much like it used to. I guess. I don’t really know how it used to be, it’s been so long. It’s crazy to even think about. It feels like it has been years since that cold day. I used to look down on that day like it was the worst thing in the world. I welcome it now. I appreciate that day. Because I am happy, well, not…but happier. And you are too and it is phenomenal. But things are bad for you now, and you AREN’T as happy. Why is that you think? Why is it that we teenagers have to be in a constant influctuation of emotions? I am sure if we were all designated with complacent/content feelings all the time that our lives would be better. Things don’t always work out that way though do they? nope nope nope. Things change. Seasons change. Winter to spring. and I have to deal with it, we all have to deal with it. The point of this is just, I’m glad we are friends and nothing more and I am glad we have found a healthy balance.
I wish I could take care of everyone I cared about. I wish i could make everything better. I wish i could punch him in the face for breaking your heart. I wish I could hold you when you cry. I wish I could make things easier for you at school. I wish I could make your relationship not so bad. I wish I could be happy at home to make my mum happy. I wish I could make Nick happy by having the faith of someone who cares.I wish i wasn’t so apathetic that it makes you cry.
But all of my wishes are selfish. I wish I could punch him for breaking your heart because he broke mine too. I wish I could hold you when you cried so you would be with me and not her. I wish i could make things easier for you at school so that I would be your best friend again. I wish I could make your relationship better so you wouldn’t be sad all the time and put all your problems on me. I wish i could make Nick happy by having better faith so that I might be happy too. I wish i wasn’t so apathetic that it makes you cry so that you would see even if I did care, i still wouldn’t be happy and then you would feel guilty and I would get what I wanted.
I wish…i was YOUR world. I wish I could somehow make you see how much you mean to me. This feeling I have for you is something I haven’t felt before. Never did I feel this about the ex. never. This is new to me. So I wish I could show you that so maybe you would feel it for me too. But that is selfish. You are happy chasing her even though…she doesn’t want to play your game. I wish you didn’t love her so that you could love me.
I wish so many things in life. So many things that can’t and or won’t happen. But I don’t have a genie. And if I did, I couldn’t ask for more wishes. I have to take my life and deal with it. I have to take what is thrown my way, suck it up, and live. I have to stop wishing for things to happen and deal with what IS happening. Stop complaining and deal. I don’t know how many times I have made that my goal. Numerous amounts. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that i am back in the mindset that I have to live in the moment and stop wishing and waiting and just live. Live. Live. Live. Stop waiting. And wishing. And just…live.
I can do that. If it kills me, I will live.
Lmao.
